Black Thought

"Once you know who you are, you don't have to worry any more."

Nikki Giovanni

The wise gentleman fully comprehends the vital importance of personal integrity and principled character. Without a doubt, he recognizes his character is indeed his brand. His presentation is neither fraudulent or misleading. No. He is genuine. He is trustworthy. He is credible. This gentleman is a welcome throwback to a value system that honors a moral code. The public looks to him for encouragement & inspiration; he does not disappoint. Look, perception is reality. Ensure that the image you convey is an authentic version of your true self. All these points being valid, you must first be honest with yourself before you are honest with other people. Remember this.

The Standard #21

Hickey Freeman Paisley Necktie

The gentleman must never underestimate the magnitude of a winning first impression. Flowing in concert with exemplary manners & thoughtful articulation, a sharp sartorial introduction can serve the gentleman extremely well. True story. The audience may recall that approximately one month ago, I conducted an interview with Detroit society write Chuck Bennett. Well, instead of venturing home to change my attire after work; I opted to slip into my suit there in the hospital. While dressing and adjusting my necktie in the mirror, I was approached by a visiting student who was there to observe surgeries. He introduced himself and began to rattle off his school courses and future aspirations. After his lengthy dialogue, he asked what type of surgical practice did I specialize in. He thought I was a surgeon. Well, I had to break the news. I informed him that I was a clerk that billed for surgical materials & time for operating room procedures.

So, of course he asked why I was so dressed up. I told him about my impending interview and what I did in my spare time. He seemed to get really excited and began to ask me all types of style questions. I answered what I could, but I was running low on time. It is slightly difficult knotting a Half Windsor when someone is trying to show you their lime green dress shirt with matching lime green necktie. Long story short, I saw the young gentleman today. Dressed much better I might add. Walking through the department, he rose from his seat and rushed over to shake my hand. Side note: gentlemen...firm & steady pressure...there is not a need to squeeze the life out of an individual's palm. So, I'm saying to myself, "Does this guy still think I'm a surgeon or was he really impressed by my dress & conversation?" First impressions. This young gentleman remembered me from a month back and took the time to walk across the room to shake my hand. We exchanged pleasantries and I continued on my path. Gents, you never know who you might meet on your journey through this thing called life. You never know who you might help. You never know who might help you. Your first impression could leave an undeniable lasting impression. Ensure that it counts.

Sunday's Best- Disagree Without Being Disagreeable *Repost*

"The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things."

Proverbs 15:28

The wise and intelligent gentleman fully understands the concept of disagreeing without being disagreeable. The wise gentleman is always cognizant that he must display courtesy, patience, and respects when engaged in meaningful conversation. A passionate discussion can swiftly devolve into a heated argument where both parties vainly attempt to claim victory in the conversation. Neither party really "wins" because each individual departs feeling a sense of victory in the matter. Instead of truly trying to understand each other, harsh criticism is leveled back and forth in an effort to discredit the opposing opinion. I was asked to blog about how to disagree with someone without being hateful and nasty. Here are a few points to ponder:

Listen- An essential component of effective communication, listening is often overlooked in spirited discourse. Instead of listening, an individual may be too preoccupied with formulating the next verbal assault. Ignoring their auditory senses, they craft clever language to belittle and demean the other person. This is not the objective. Even if you don't agree, listen to the other person's point. Hear them out and don't interrupt them!

State Your Point- Sometimes, an argument can be birthed out of a simple misunderstanding. Failure to comprehend or deliver a crucial point can lead to frustration and anger. State your point clearly and concisely. Repeat if necessary. If they are still having difficulty understanding you, ask them how you can phrase your point better. Likewise, the same should be extended to you.

Control Your Emotions- Uncontrolled emotion can severely cloud judgment and distort factual information. Stick with facts and only facts. Don't make sweeping generalizations that have no basis in reality. It may be extremely difficult, but strive not to personalize the situation. Nothing should be personal between rational adults.

Control The Atmosphere- Body language can reveal a tremendous amount of information about a person's thoughts. Loud sighs. Looking at the ceiling. Rolling of the eyes. Also, control your decibel level. Just because you are screaming does not increase the validity of your point.

Walk Away- If the conversation has increased in intensity and blood pressures are beginning to elevate, the gentleman must exhibit calm & reason by simple removing himself from the situation. Politely end the conversation, even if the other person is determined to have the last word. Let them. Why? Because at this point, nothing you will say will remedy the situation. Just walk away.

So, you are involved in a disagreement. Well, congratulations because we are all different and we all have different views. That does not mean you set out to disparage and insult people. No. Leave the dry condescending wit to Glenn Beck and Keith Olbermann, that is what they get paid to do. You don't. The gentleman's character should exude politeness, attentiveness, and courtesy. You will be a better gent for it. Trust.

This is a previous post I wrote that can be used in conjunction with the following Sunday's Best blog.

Sunday's Best

"Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that."

1 Corinthians 7:1-7

Question: I have a question. What about the man who is so withdrawn, quiet, and absent from the home? What can his wife do to keep herself from straying?

Anonymous- Keep in mind that cheating won't solve the underlying problem. Your moral compass should not be corrupted due to his issues. What may feel like an emotional release will only exacerbate the problem. Its like being discontented with one's financial situation and going out shopping to feel better. Your situation does not change and you probably just made it worse. He is distant for a particular reason. Something tells me the current chasm between you two has been a slow evolution of erosion. To remedy the problem, you must first locate the source of his discontent.

This looks like a conversation that should take place in a library. A nice quiet and neutral location where no one can raise their voice and argue. That would be counterproductive. I am sure that you have a list of concerns. However, don't spring them on him with a "we have to talk". Men interpret this as an ambush and will immediately go on the defensive & hurriedly begin to mount a counteroffensive. Sometimes, we are not the best communicators; so give us a little time to get our thoughts together. Most times, we know when something is amiss also; we just have a bad habit of shutting down and being distant. Personally, I would try these tactics when you sit down to talk:

1. Starting off your conversation, it is important that you reestablish and reinforce your love for him. Whatever the vows you recited on your wedding day...say that. Sometimes, people get in a hurry to strike at the problem and start listing what the other is not doing. We are seeking solutions here and not winning an argument. It's not about a personal win because both parties win if a tangible solution is reached. You have to state your unconditional love for him and set the correct tone.

2. Tell him what you are missing. When you start telling someone what they are not doing, they will instantly get defensive and probably start listing what you are not doing. This can turn into a back and forth with no real resolution in sight. Instead, focus on yourself and your lack of fulfillment. Speak with your heart and share your pain. Remember, this is not about blaming him for your woes. You are simply stating the absence of things that are vital to you feeling like a woman he loves.

3. Stay on point. Current problems need to be solved. Reintroducing unfinished and old arguments from the past will only muddle the present conversation. Both of you will argue this point and that point; eventually becoming so scattered that you are light years away from the original topic of discussion. Select your points of interest and stick with those.

4. Ask for a solution. This has to be a joint effort. You have to ask how can WE make this situation better. Both parties must work towards an answer. Now, he must be willing of course. This all depends on the tone you set. I remember getting angry at something my wife said. Instead of giving me a defiant & flippant response, she simply said, "Come on baby...don't be that way." I was instantly diffused. Now, men don't like to be manipulated; so you have to mean what you say. Women have an extremely persuasive touch. Use it. You have to demonstrate that you want the present situation to be happier. He has to want the same thing. I mean...who does not want to be happy? It's getting there that is the tough assignment. Tell him you want to make it there...together!

Truthfully, I think this is a very real and non-confrontational method of approaching the situation. If he does not respond to your emotions, completely shuts down, and continues to shut you out; you may not be left with any other course of action but to leave. Staying put could be toxic and detrimental in the long term. I would definitely seek counsel. Maybe from the church or a qualified professional I sincerely hopes this sheds some light on how to proceed. Any women reading this, feel free to chime in. Good luck anonymous.

Perry Ellis Wood Valet

So, the good people at Perry Ellis were kind enough to send me a hot selling gift item for the holiday season. The Perry Ellis Portfolio Wood Desk Valet. However, I was not the beneficiary of just the Perry Ellis Wood Valet alone. It also arrived with a black leather wallet (also available in brown) and .05 oz of Perry Ellis eau de toilette spray. Fantastic! I understand that some select gentlemen have been known to use and abuse their trusty wallet, so having an additional billfold is quite handy. The accompanying spray is described as a captivating & sensual cologne opening with a green apple accord and dries down to a compelling blend of amber, black patchouli and warm woods. The fragrance is definitely sharp, but not overly obnoxious. The gentleman should be a little cautious and not apply too much of the fragrance. Your scent should never be too extreme or overbearing.

Now, let us proceed to the wood valet. As a well dressed gentleman, I desire structure and organization. The wood valet provides just that. Complete with a slot for wallet and pull out drawer; this desk valet offers the perfect resting spot for your watch, wedding ring, and all other small personal furnishings. I abhor scrambling in the morning because I can't locate a pair of brass collar stays. The wood valet solves the sharp gentleman's dilemma. The entire gift retails for just $45.00. Quite the deal if you ask me. Three separate gifts rolled into one. And it's just in time for the holidays. This great gift is available nationwide at Macy's nationwide and Perry Ellis retail stores.

Brownstone- If You Love Me

I will wager the reader did not know I can jam to some Brownstone. As I have stated in the recent past, my childhood weekends were filled with soulful jam sessions at my mother's house. My house on Kimberly would be rocking. So, given the current atmosphere of rumor and innuendo surrounding the...ahem...Tiger drama...I want to send this one out to the female/male demographic frustrated in a relationship. I used to rock to this and I didn't even have a girlfriend! Bad, I know. A brother had to participate in the trials & tribulations of a relationship somehow, even if it was only through the make believe world of music. Ok, enough of my woman-less childhood; enjoy the video.

The Gentlemen's Ten- Interview Attire

The United States job market showed glimpses of improvement today, as the total number of 11,000 jobs lost was significantly lower than the projected 125,000. That is a little silver lining on that dark & gray ominous cloud suspended over the economy. However, there are six unemployed individuals applying to just one open position as we speak. Even worse, the African American male faces over 17 percent unemployment; that is higher than any other demographic on the urban landscape. With a loss of manufacturing jobs and the middle class slowly eroding, the urban gent is best to recognize himself as a brand. Your job aspirations may depend on how you package yourself and what image you convey. Sure, you have the intellect, skills, and charisma. Now you need something else to seal the deal. So, I have blown the dust off a previous post and remastered a few tips on what to wear at your next job interview or job fair. Good luck.

10) If they can smell you before they see you; more than likely you have on too much cologne. Rule of thumb calls for no cologne at all, but keep it light if you absolutely must wear some.

9) Prior to the interview you want to be freshly groomed. Make sure that your hair is well maintained as well as any facial hair that needs a fresh trim or cut. That goes for nose hair. And ear hair.

8) This may be self explanatory, but gentlemen please make a trip to the shower before you start your day. Brush your teeth and have a mint handy when speaking to people. Check your nose for stray nasal mucus (boogers!) because that can really distract an interviewer. Vaseline for dry lips. Hand lotion for ashy knuckles. Be sure to address the areas between the fingers please.

7) Jewelry should be regulated to a watch, cuff links (barrel cuffs are fine too, don't sweat it), and wedding ring if you are married. There is maybe even some wiggle room for a tie clip if it doesn't come across as too pretentious. That means leaving theBurberry tie clip on the dresser. I understand it looks great, but let us not be too flashy too soon.

6) Just because a job fair may be held in an arena doesn't give you permission to wear athletic sneakers. Sneakers partnered with a pressed pair of chinos can be smart and hip. However, you are here to land a job; not walk the red carpet at theVMAs. Chuck the Chuck Taylors and opt for some formal dress shoes. Black or burgundy will compliment your suit well.

5) Now is not the time break out your favorite Charlie Brown Christmas necktie. The same can be said for the Snoopy necktie. A gentleman's necktie speaks volumes to his character. Do you have character or are you simply acting like one? Time to get serious. Your necktie should be discreet in nature; striped, solid, or small geometric prints are intelligent choices. If you are in doubt if your color is too loud; you should stick with variations of blue, burgundy, or red.

4) Your dress shirt should be either white, light blue, or a variation of a white shirt with blue stripes. I love cutaway collars, but that may be a little fashion forward for a job interview. Utilize your discretion. Less ornate is more. Keep the color scheme simple. Contrast collars seem to be on the rise, so a blue shirt with a white contrast collar would be fine.

3) If you don't own a dark suit, a navy blazer can be recruited as a substitute. The navy blazer can be paired with gray or taupe wool trousers for a great conservative combination. For a more modern appearance, you might want to skip the brass buttons associated with the traditional blazer.

2) Suits should always be dark; preferred colors include navy and charcoal. Understated pinstripes are permitted just as long as it doesn't distract from the entire outfit. You want to stick with a suit that has 2-3 buttons and not those 6 button getups you see some basketball players wearing. While attending the Steve Harvey Morning show last month, Mr. Harvey stated that the climate was changing and 6 button suits would no longer be in style. News alert. They were never in style. At least in the professional business world. And gents, remember to NEVER button the last button on a suit. Ever.

1) So you have impressed the interviewers to warrant a second interview. Make sure that you are taking mental notes about how the person that interviewed you dressed. This could give you a little hints about the dress attire at your future employer, so dress the part. And you might want to drop that hand written thank you note in the mailbox before leaving. Or the send that email thanking them for their time and consideration. Finishing touches. Stand and be visibility. Congratulations on the new job.

The Gentlemen's Ten- Cheat-proof Your Relationship

As I stated in the previous post, gentlemen are not infallible beings. We all fall sometimes. Our primal nature as men causes us stray from the straight path on occasion. Some gentlemen don't believe they are capable of cheating on their loved one. Some are simply oblivious to the traps that await them if they are not cautious. No male is bulletproof. Knowing his flesh is weak, the gentleman should be aware of a few things that may make him vulnerable to another woman's persuasion. And surprisingly, it does not have to involve sex. It could be merely something he is missing at home. He could be 90% fulfilled in his relationship, yet that unfulfilled 10% could take him in a misguided direction attempting to feel whole. That is just foolish odds. Risking 90% because you desire the remaining 10%. Last time I checked, 90% was a passing grade. Besides, it would suit you better to strengthen the greater percentage you already have. So, keep these points in mind and recognize the small traps that may leave you vulnerable to stepping out on your woman. Word of caution, I am no relationship expert; but these rules have kept me pretty safe through the years.

10. Gentlemen, watch the company you keep. Your single friends may not be best to hang out with in the late hours. Especially steer clear of those guy friends who point you in the wrong direction. As strange as it sounds, some guys (even friends) get off on seeing the "good guy" get a little dirt on his hands. Misery loves company. Don't do it.

9. Stay out of naughty places. If you know your flesh is weak, maybe you should keep out of The Booby Trap down there on 8 Mile. Just saying. You don't need a big butt with a smile sending you over the proverbial edge.

8. And this goes for naughty material too. Significant other not complicit with the kinky pornography acrobatics? You just might find yourself searching for someone who is. Sometimes, fantasies get in your head and metastacizes at an alarming rate. However, they are just that...fantasies. Recognize it.

7. Whatever pleases you as a man...find that woman who encompasses it. If you are a meat and potatoes gentleman, you better marry a woman who can cook! Otherwise, you are going to be looking for that steak & baked potato at another woman's house. And this extends beyond food. It is best to link up with someone who shares your loves and passions. No need to get it elsewhere when you have it at home.

6. Conversely, whatever pleases a man...stay away from other women who encompass it. I'm not suggesting that a gent be a hermit. However, spending time with that woman who enjoys Richard Pryor as much as you do might not be a good thing. Finding yourself enjoying laughter (and all the things that make you smile) with someone else will most definitely put a cramp in your current relationship.

5. While we are talking about other women, do you really need more female friends? High school friends that carry over through the years. Ok. College friends. Even coworkers. These I can see, but even then the gent must tread carefully. However, you should never be in the business (unless it's business) of meeting new women and giving them your phone number. I'm not going to even address old girlfriends.

4. Every now and again, the gentleman must seek wise counsel. Not the guy in his fourth marriage and is currently bitter with how things are going. Not the guy who thinks marriage is a joke. They may not necessarily pressure you to put dollar bills in Strawberry's g-string, but their negative perceptions of relationships just may cause you to go see Strawberry alone to drown your sorrows.

3. Strengthen you preexisting relationship. Look, you are with your significant other for a reason. Right? Something special brought you two together. Communicate. Relationships get tested, so it is paramount to have open and frank discussions. They may hurt, but not as much as finding out the other cheated on you. That betrayal cuts deep.

2. Talking it out between the two of you not working? Seek professional help. It could be the only option that saves your relationship.

1. Still can't control yourself? Walk away. Gentlemen, just walk away. Discuss that things may have moved to the point where you are not connecting anymore. However, don't make the mistake and try to connect with someone else while still in your relationship. Amicably part ways and save each other from any further hurt.

Just because you are a male, you don't have to assign yourself to the notion that you are destined to cheat. Understand your particular weaknesses and you will be better equipped to battle whatever temptations may come your way.

Year Of The Gentleman...Not!

"So, Tiger...would you care to explain this taped phone call?"

Et tu Tiger Woods. This has not been a great calender year for the gentleman. In the past, the occasionally lewd affair would snake its way into the spotlight. Gary Hart. Jimmy Swaggart. William Jefferson Clinton. However, in the technological age of TMZ; dirty laundry can be easily unearthed and travel at the speed of light across the Internet. It seems like there is a new affair involving a public figure every other month. Really. Look, as early as The Garden of Eden; man has proven extremely fallible in the face of seductive persuasion. I mean...Adam ruled over the entire domain of the planet Earth...and he was still swayed by a woman's touch. So, should we be really surprised by Tiger Woods. Maybe disappointed, but not really surprised. Not after the past year has offered up a countless examples of men behaving badly. Here is a refresher list:

John Edwards (Former U.S. Senator North Carolina)- embarks on affair while his wife battles cancer; mistress allegedly becomes pregnant with his child.

Kwame Kilpatrick (Former Detroit Mayor)- an investigation concerning a fired Detroit policeman reveals a tawdry affair with Chief of Staff Christine Beatty in the infamous sex-text scandal.

John Ensign (U.S. Senator Nevada)- not only does he have an affair, Ensign's parents gave his mistress & her family monetary "gifts". He also sought job contracts for his mistress's husband. Redemption I guess.

Mark Sanford (Governor South Carolina)- this character traveled all the way to Argentina to be with his "soul mate". Not only did he lie about his whereabouts, Sanford was in the comfort of his mistress during Father's Day!

David Letterman (Host of The Late Show)- extortion forces Letterman to acknowledge yet another extramarital with a staffer. Letterman pokes fun at himself over the issue, but it is no laughing matter.

Alex Rodriguez (New York Yankee Baseball Player)- not only did his marriage end amidst rumors of infidelity, he also admitted to "unknowingly" using steroids. Yeah right.

Charles Barkley (Former NBA Great & Current Analyst)- exemplary oral sex was enough to send a drunken Barkley speeding through a stop sign chasing a hooker.

Eliot Spitzer(Former Governor New York)- sought the company of call girls in high-priced prostitution ring titled The Emperor's Club. At $1,000 per hour; Spitzer doesn't know the meaning of recession.

Steve McNair (Former NFL Quarterback)- his unwise transgression ultimately cost him his life; killed in a murder-suicide by a jealous & paranoid mistress.

The first step is admission my fellow gentlemen. As men, we are vulnerable to temptation. I am not saying that women are not, but men function in a much more primal state. We are physical. We are visual. I am no different. I told my wife a long time ago (when we were in the infancy of dating) that all men have a little dog in them. However, it is up to that man to control that dog inside of him. Again, this does not apply to only men; we just happen to be repeat offenders. You can find some women like this too. Quite simply, men must recognize that carnal and lustful urges can set into motion events we will soon regret. We must do our best to control those urges. If you can't, then don't get married. Don't date exclusively. And for goodness sake, keep some Trojans nearby.

The Fine And Dandy Shop

Brought directly to you by the fine gentlemen at the Fine & Dandy Shop is their new Look Book 2009. With a contemporary interpretation on the dandy gentleman, this look book features the sartorial flair that Fine & Dandy is known for. A fantastic online destination to equip yourself with bold & beautiful accessories, Fine & Dandy can help you transform the mundane into the fashionably spectacular. What is really missing from the gentleman's dress for today is uniqueness. When the basic uniform is relegated to a dress shirt, necktie, and suit; the correct accessory can assist you by elevating your level of dapper. Individuality is the cornerstone for the well dressed gentleman. And although the execution may appear complicated, the stylish result is pure and effortless. Witness how the proceeding photographs convey ease and elegance. Simply sharp. Simply classic. Simply dandy.

Photography by Patrick Roxas

Photography Patrick Roxas

Photographer Patrick Roxas

Photographer Patrick Roxas

For more killer looks from the Fine & Dandy Shop, please click HERE for more photographs their look book. Also, if the gentleman so pleases to invest in beautiful accessories to complement his preexisting wardrobe, please click FINE & DANDY for ordering & shopping information.

Standard Recommendations- Mercerized Cotton Tops

Tricots St. Raphael

When this stylish gentleman wants to take a brief hiatus from your standard cotton top, I opt for a more dressy yet understated version. Mercerized cotton. Chemically treated with sodium hydroxide, regular cotton becomes stronger, more accepting of colorful dyes, and more lustrous to the eye. In the business casual environment, the gentleman can pair his mercerized cotton top with a fine pair of wool trousers. Your appearance maintains a subtle sophistication, while breaking away from the normalcy of your regular cotton top. I personally gravitate towards Tricots St. Raphael. Suggested by my wife, I have been extremely pleased with the handsome presentation that it affords. Although they are machine washable, I prefer dry cleaning to protect the integrity of the shirt. Just a personal preference. I treat most garments that I really enjoy in the same manner. Looking for a polished alternative to your cotton top, a mercerized option may be sharp choice you are searching for. For details on the above garment, please visit PERRY ELLIS for more information.

Black Eyed Peas- Meet Me Halfway

Ask me what this video means and you will probably be greeted with a blank stare. Instinct dictates that I should dislike the Black Eyed Peas, a group founded with the essence of b-boy hip hop that is now essentially a pop/dance group. Not that pop is bad. I just vaguely remember will.i.am & crew breakdancing in the Joints & Jams video. That was a long time ago. However, I won't hate on the Peas. Evolution is good and they seem to be about positivity. Besides, they release music that embeds itself in the eardrum and permeates one's thoughts. Curse you gym music! Now I can't get this tune out of my head. I can't lie, the music is good and the video is a welcome departure from the usual scantily clad booty shaking with iced out rappers popping bottles. So, I refuse to suffer alone. Enjoy the video and maybe next time I am in traffic, you can pull along side of me and hum the tune with me.